Dim Wit by Rosemarie Jarski

Author:Rosemarie Jarski
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781407024684
Publisher: Ebury Publishing

LETTERS & EMAILS

Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without an address on it?

Mark Twain

I WAS TAKING a bath in a Leningrad hotel when the floor concierge yelled that she had a cable for me. ‘Put it under the door,’ I cried. ‘I can’t,’ she shouted. ‘It’s on a tray!’

Anthony Burgess

—You’re sending your mother an empty envelope?

—I wanted to cheer her up. You know, no news is good news.

George Burns and Gracie Allen

—This letter feels kind of heavy. I’d better put another stamp on it.

—What for? It’ll only make it heavier.

George Burns and Gracie Allen

Sir Horace Cutler The Greater

London Council

County Hall

London SE1

Address on envelope to the Greater London Council

[writing a letter] As usual, I’m writing slowly because I know you can’t read fast.

Corporal Walter ‘Radar’ O’Reilly, M*A*S*H

I would have answered your letter sooner, but you didn’t send one.

Goodman Ace

The man who would stoop so low as to write an anonymous letter, the least he might do is to sign his name to it.

Sir Boyle Roach

Never answer an anonymous letter.

Yogi Berra

Nowadays, when you get a handwritten letter in the mail you’re like, ‘What? Has someone been kidnapped?’ ‘Well, I’m not opening it, it’s probably filled with anthrax.’

Jim Gaffigan

Email has made sending regular mail such a chore. ‘Wait, I stick it in an envelope and now I gotta go outside? What am I, a triathlete?’

Jim Gaffigan

Before man reaches the moon, your mail will be delivered within hours from New York to Australia by guided missiles. We stand on the threshold of rocket mail.

Arthur Summerfield, US Postmaster General, 1959

Whatever I write in an email, it doesn’t mean anything. It is just words I write.

Paris Hilton

You can email me at: Stuart dot Maconie at bbc dot co dot uk. I had a text from a listener who said her grandad thought my real name was ‘Stuart Dot Maconie’.

Stuart Maconie, BBC Radio 2

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